Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
