Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
