When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
