I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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