Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize