she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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