I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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