My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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