It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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