turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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