Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
