All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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