Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
