And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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