hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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