If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
