I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ketchup is God's man juice
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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