Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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