Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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