I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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