I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
