and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sext me about skeletons
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize