We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
