That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
