Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
