When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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