how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
