All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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