I'm eating all of the evidence.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Found your dick twin last night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
