i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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