don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
