i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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