she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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