So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want her autograph on my taint
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
