dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
