When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
