Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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