Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
