Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
