Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
