please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
