This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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