Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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