I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dicks are not precious.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
