I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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