I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
