My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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