I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
only you would photoshop your dick
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
