Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
