Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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