Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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