i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
