I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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