If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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